It's Just...
by season5girl
Summary: Sirius' thoughts on a certain Mr. Lupin. I wish they had a 'vinnet' option to pick as far as genre's go.;) Oh! This is SLASH, but very very mild. Please R/R!


A/N1: Hi ya'll! What's up? Ok, so here we go;)   
Disclaimer: Don't own it, don't own them. But the words presented in this story in the order in which they're presented could rightly be claimed as mine.;)  
Rating: PG...Just because of some SLASH content.  
Summary: Sirius' across-the-room-ponderings on a certain Mr. Lupin.  
WARNING: There is SLASH in this. That's yaoi, slash, guy/guy or more of boy/boy, Sirius/Remus to be exact but it's quite tame.;) Consider yourselves warned, however.   
Flame if you like, review please do though!  
  
  
It's Just...  
  
  
  
  
I don't want to say he looked cute in the light he was in, but...he...well, did.  
  
His hair got that sort of golden look to it, you know? And the way he sat so...proper, the way he held his book, and the way that secret smile would cross his perfect lips and he'd look up and out the window, staring into the night at nothing and seeing so much more than those of us who looked .at. something.   
  
I don't know what it is about Remus; but I don't feel this way for anyone else. I've never felt this way for any of the girls I'd gone with, or...anyone.   
  
I never...I mean.... He's my best friend. No offense to James; James' my oldest, and my best but it's just that since he and Lily got together a couple years ago, Remus and I just sort of got stuck with one another.  
  
Thank god for dumb luck.  
  
But anyway, I feel something for Remus. I don't know how to name it, I don't know that I can, but I do feel something for him. I shouldn't. Not for .him., my best friend. But...I...can't help it.  
  
It's not my fault; I didn't mean to fall for him.  
  
Back in our 1st year, way before any of us knew what the hell we were on about in life, Remus just always seemed so sure. So patient, and calm and perfectly fine with whatever came his way.   
  
It wasn't until later that I found out why, that he was...well, a werewolf.   
  
He told me something once only a couple of months ago-and I think this is what really got me, one of the things about him that really touched me-, after I had asked him why he was always so damned agreeable:  
  
He'd done one of those little Remus' smiles and looked down to his hands, then begun talking, as the words came from him the smile fled so that it left his face, and his eyes.   
  
"I'm not calm, Sirius. Things upset me sometimes just as much as they do you or James or Peter. It's only that...I know my station in life. I suppose I've always known. You three, you have so much in front of you. I'm...I'm just trapped in my passed, Padfoot."   
  
He had looked up then, and met my gaze with a reassuring smile, "The day I was...bitten. It's not that I'm calm about dances, or money or any of it, it's just that that day when I became..." He looked down again and shook his head.  
  
"I know I can't be more than this, Sirius. Not really. No, don't argue, it's the truth. And it's all right with me. I'll have a fine life, it won't be bad. It's just, there doesn't seem a point to worrying about those kinds of things, because I know who I am. I know what I'll always be. Remus Lupin, a whatever else at the moment, but always the werewolf." He still smiled, but it still didn't quite show in his eyes.  
  
"Always that." He repeated, not bitterly, just softly.  
  
I had wanted to say 'always more, than just that, to me.' But I hadn't.   
  
I was watching him now, more than a month later, from across the emptying common room with its bright fires and James and Peter beside me lingering over a slowly progressing chess game.  
  
And Remus, slightly removed by his window perch seemed for the moment unaware of me and my thoughts.  
  
It was not un-normal lately for me to do this brooding sort of act. But it wasn't my fault, honestly.  
  
I want to go and talk to him, right now, stand up and go. I think as it is James knows something's up with me. But it's easy for James to talk to people. He's .James..  
  
Yeah, right, well, ok, so a lot of good smart folk'd say it'd be easy for Mr. Sirius Black as well, heh can't say I blame them for thinking so.   
  
But it's just different with Remus. I could mess up before, with other people because I didn't...care as much. I can't mess up with Remus, because if I did it would hurt me.  
  
Worst of all I might hurt him, either by offending him in telling him or not being what he wants in the end. And that I couldn't live with, couldn't stand knowing he was out there hurting because of me, Mr. Sirius Black.   
  
  
It's just...  
  
  
...he's right there and...  
  
  
...I wish sometimes he knew I was watching him.  
  
  
Just would turn around and see me, hell, I should go and talk to him.  
  
What the... ok, so I stood up. There's nothing unnatural about that-I do it all the time.  
  
"Where're you going?" James.  
  
"Just to see Remus."   
  
"Ah." He was holding a grin back, "Ok." And he bent over the chess game again as if to give me privacy.  
  
I'm striding over to Remus now-and my god he .is. handsome, and cute, and so sweet, and...I could watch him all night, like this.  
  
He's still looking out the window as I reach him, but just then he turned around and saw me, hell, he's smiling.  
  
"Hello, Sirius." I love him.  
  
And there was that endlessly tender voice he always seems only to use on me.  
  
And that hint of something in his eyes that happens only when he looks at me...  
  
I didn't mean to. It's not my fault...I'll just tell him that. It's not .my. fault he makes me feel this way...it's just the way he looks in this and every light; and the way his hair has a sort of golden look to it.  
  
The End  
  
  
  
  
A/N2: Hope you enjoyed it! I just got it in my head and had to write it out;) I love Sirius/Remus stuff to no end, and I'm always pleased to be adding to the collective pool of them.   
On another note: 'Hopeful? What me?'  
Ok, so this story has been stuck at chapter 5 for longer than I care to remember, I do have another chapter, the problem is the computer it's on isn't working and I can't access it!!!! Grrr...;( But hopefully I'll be able to soon, and then that story will actually continue! I'm as SHOCKED as you!;D   
  
Anyway! Please review! 


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